This is dedicated to you (you know who you are...) I dunno why but i came across this in a book and yeah thought of you. So here goes. I hope you do read this.

"Death is nothing at all. I have only slipped away into the next room. I am i and you are you. Whatever we were to each other that we are still. Call me by my old familiar name. Speak to me in the easy way which you used to. Put no difference into your tone. Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow. Laugh as we have always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together. Pray, smile, think of me. Pray for me. Let my name be ever the household word it always was. Let it be spoken without effect, without the ghost of a shadow closed on it. Life means all that it ever meant. It is the same as it ever was - there is absolutely unbroken continuity. What is this death but a negligible accident? Why should i be out of mind because i am out of sight? I am but waiting for you, for an interval somewhere very near. Just around the corner. All is well." ~Canon Henry Scott Holland~

Feeling at ease.

she spoke at
11:05 PM

she spoke at
10:50 PM

No mountain to high for you to climb
All you have to do, is have some kind in faith
No river is too wide to make it across
All you have to do, is believe when you pray

And then you will see the morning will come,
in everyday will be bright as the sun
Hold on to your fears, cast them on me
I just want you to see

I'll be your cloud up in the sky
I'll be your shoulder when you cry
I hear your voices when you call me
I am your Angel,
And all hope gone I'm here
No matter how far you are, I'm near
It makes no different who you are
I am your Angel, I am your Angel

I saw your tear drops and I heard you cry
All you need is time, seek me and you shall find
You have everything and your still lonely
It don't have to be this way
Let me show you a better day

Then you will see, the morning will come
And all of your day will be bright as the sun
So all of your fears just cast them on me
How can I make you see

And when it's time to faced the storm
I'll be right by your side
Grace will keep us safe and warm
I know we'll survive

And when it seems as if your end this growing year
Don't you dear give up the fight
Just put trust on the sky

*sigh* it is drawing near and i guess my moods are more or less a lil affected as well. So many thoughts so little time. Decisions to make and circumstances to be considered. Let me have my piece of mind. And i love this song. So much. Going running/jogging tmr. Most likely the latter. Will prob die halfway. Haha. Well well. Good training for Lumbong and stuff anyway.

I am just the way i am.

she spoke at
1:40 AM

I love the rustling of leaves. The smell of rain. The wind in my face.

It's so ironic that we're so weak yet so strong. I can now say that i am scared, afraid of ah ma's passing. It's a dangerous thought to know that you've given up on yourself. Please don't. There's a fighther in all of us and somewhere in the depths of your heart (even for the world's most 'hum chee' person), a part of you will never stop believing. Ah ma seems to be very cynical about her conditions cuz it seems like the prescriptions are't working too well. In fact, she's constantly dwelling about death. I can't blame her tho. 85 years to her record, she has probably been thru ordeals much worse than you and i. I hope that she'll pass without suffering but part of me refuses to let go. I wanna continue to hold those wrinkly hands of hers. Those hands that brought me up and contributed to the moulding of the person i have become. Never is there a way to prepare for the passing of someone. Could be now, could be decades down the road. There's never certainty and uncertainty is the worst feeling in the world. But yet again. Nothing is really certain huh?

Just the other day, ah ma was telling me a story. She said that when i was younger, i went to pre-school equipped with only teochew. So when i couldn't understand a single word of english, or what the heck the teacher was trying to say, i started to cry. And ah ma had to comfort me telling me to take my time. Look where i am now. I was a tyrant in the past. Seriously. *laughz* It took 3 ppl to make me take my medicine. 1 to grab my hands, 1 to grab my legs and my ah ma to pry open my mouth and pour the liquid down my throat. She had to force my mouth close because if she had left it open, i would've sprayed it right out at her. I also remember begging her to stay outside class in kindergarden so that i could study and see her face at the same time. Come to think of it, it was rather mean to make an old lady stand under the sun right? Her cooking. Me wetting my bed and her changing my sheets ever so patiently no matter the time. In fact, i never knew my parents till i was about 10. Yeah half my life with my ah ma. Maybe that was why i found it so hard to plunge into the world of finally being an 'ONLY' child. So many memories. They are all my keepsakes.

There's an aching feeling in my heart now and i don't get it often. Words cannot express the myriad of thoughs and emotions running through my head right now. Memories, thoughts, feelings, and everything else. Not just of ah ma but of everything that has happened since uni. Somehow nothing seems too big a deal. But i guess it's just one of those days which i am pretty sure everyone gets. I wanna cry. It's one of those days where nothing seems alright and no one seem fine. Perhaps the accumulation of repressed feelings from i dunno what is up to mischief again? Stop messing around with my heart and my head. Things are not about to get any better nor worse. I don't believe myself anymore. And i dunno why i am feeling this way.

Sometimes i wonder what i am craving for. Attention? Affection. Is it so? Maybe it's a mirror of the past. And it's never quite left? This is a time to feel lost. Just as i have proven and illustrated. Can't quite fathom what's going on myself. Shall let it pass. This is probably one of my most heartfelt entry to date. I don't normally say these kinda stuff on a blog. But just felt like typing. Just in one of my moods. If you know me, you'll understand that this comes and goes. So no worries.

Just sitting by...

she spoke at
9:53 PM

she spoke at
12:52 AM

It's been awhile since i last posted. Lazy germs. *smiles* Well well...camp is finally over. *heaves a huge sigh of relief* This holidays have been busy busy busy but most definitely well spent. New friends, new skills, new adventures. Wow. Camp was the major hurdle this hols and boy was i glad that we've past it. Strangely blessed to have had good weather during camp. Mai hiam bo pai lah eh? I remember Jo saying that she and Laoda actually prayed to the rain God and tried to bargain for no rain till the end of camp. Then it can rain 3 days non stop. Haha. Hasn't anyone noticed that it rained almost everyday since then? *lol* Talk about coincidences.

Went to Forte 3 on thurs. In case you guys are sratching yours heads now, Forte 1,2,3 are all concerts put up by NSSSB (Northland sec sch symphonic band) Hee. Yeah. Loyal supporters of Sheri you see. Sadly it wasn't as impressive as Forte 2. Only the Alum band was not bad. Hmmm. Chris, Ailina and i were almost late for the concert and i had to run in my *bleeping* sandels from Charles and Keith. Bleh. Sucky sandels. Bleh bleh bleh. Almost wanted to take them off man. Did that once after prom tho. Walked down orchard road without footwear. Haha. Beat that. I miss Northland. Chris was saying that it would have been damn awesome if the 4 of us had met in a girls school. Yeah. Under different circumstances, i bet the outcome would've been interesting. Haha.

Had supper with the Sphiredrakes (my OG for camp) yst. Really really interesting i must say...we had a food fund and the itinerary was to go ard the island for supper. And guess what? the guys were unusually late. We arrived at ard 6.30 and the guys started strolling in at about 7.10. Hmmm. New trend? Girls waiting for guys? Anyways, papa was the official tour guide for the day. Eh papa...u should really consider leh. Even the seh of a tour guide is there. Haha. The only thing he lacked was a flag. Ooh...our lil island adventure. Let's see...

1st stop: Bras Besah - Mee Chiang Kuey, Fishball noodles and prawn noodles

2nd stop: Bras Besah - Pigs Organ soup (*Bernard, Greg and Mel's grand arrival* Heez...)

3rd stop: Old Airport Road - Hokkien Mee, Fried oyster omeletteChar Kuey Teow, Rojak, Wanton Mee and sambal Kangkong (The bloody famous hokkien mee was closed for ONE day and it had to be the day we went. *growls*)

4th stop: Bedok Blk 85 - Ah balling (gultinous rice balls), Minced meat noodles (*drools drools*), Desserts

Sadly, time didn't permit for us to continue our food spree to Geylang and ECP's Lagoon but there's always part 2. And perhaps all of us will end up honking down the streets (inside joke *nudge nudge* to papa, ZY and HQ) Ooh and we're going to Ubin to cycle soon!!! Hurray. I want a bike. *sniffs* I want a biiiiikkkkkeeeee....sheri...i wanna cycle to yishun!!! And u can cycle to woodlands. Oh yeah. Talking about coincidences, we saw JJ in the last train back to Kranji. Haha. The 4 of us (Janice, Steph, HQ and i) were trying to figure out if it was him and Janice was saying we should keep staring at him until he noticed. Haha. Blur loh someone. Didn't even see us until we reached AMK i think. (And we boarded at city hall!!!) A fellow woodlander!!! 1 st in NUS!!! Haha. Anyways...the more awkward thing was when i met this guy whom i always saw during jc. We were always running across the street to the train station. Damn awkward when i see him in school. It's the kind of "dunno whether to smile or not to smile" senarios. Strange. And he's Janice's friend. This world is too bloody small man.

M currently so damn intrigued by "The Solitaire Mystery". Go read ppl go read. Hehe. More philosophical shit to screw ur brains. Muhahaha. Try saying Red Rum Sir Is Murder. Now try saying it backwards. Haha. How's 'bout Pull Up??? Here's a lil something...

"A Russian cosmonaut and a Russian brain surgeon were discussing Christianity. The brain surgeon was Christian, but the cosmonaut wasn't. "I've been to outer space so many times", bragged the cosmonaut, "but i've never seen any angels." The brain surgeon stared in amazement, but then he said, "And i have operated on many intelligent brains, but i have never seen a single thought."  
~Jostein Gaarder "The Solitaire Mystery"~

she spoke at
11:04 PM

Come one now guys...do give peace a chance. *lol*

she spoke at
10:49 PM

Hope is a powerful thing. It's gives you the delusion that something is about to happen. Sometimes it does. Too many a time it doesn't. But who's to stop us from hoping? It is afterall the only thing that keeps us going.

So is missing someone. You can never stop the painful process. Somehow, i am able to comprehend why people are unable to let go. It's not that they don't want to but the inherent play of the human heart and mind is not easily manipulated. Not an easy feat to just forget about someone or something. Say we are in a relationship and somehow, it didn't work out. How long would the 'mourning' process be? I recall what was said in "Sex and the city", that the end of a relationship only comes with the start of another relationship. Is that true?

Hope has failed.

she spoke at
9:36 PM

You Are a Coy Flirt! You're not so much a flirt as the type of girl who draws flirts in While you look like you're just relaxing, secretly you've got your game on A little look here, a little wink there... you give men the encouragement they crave And in return, they flirt up a storm with you - while you just sit and smile What Kind of Flirt Are You? Take This Quiz :-) Find the Love of Your Life (and More Love Quizzes) at Your New Romance.

Oh and i guess found out that roaches can survive a nuclear war cuz apparantly they can withstand alot more RAMS (counts for radiation) than us humans can. Yucks! As if their ability to survive 9 days with their heads severed is not gross enough. *digusted*

I am flirtatious

she spoke at
12:17 AM

1) CLimb Kilimanjaro (those ppl who are suppose to go with me...i'll haunt u down!!!)
2) Bring mom to Europe (*smiles*)
3) Getting dad and AP watch
4) Learn how to cook
5) Adopt a kid
6) Speak fluent japanese (*Ganbatte ne*)
7) Skydive
8) Bungee jump
9) Get a diving certificate
10) Swim with the dolphins
11) Stop the killing of sharks (Haha!)
12) Visit the following places (Prior b4 other countries that is!)
- Hawayii (Honeymoon!!! *dreams*)
- Mauritius
- S.Africa (To climb Kilimanjaro)
- Nepal
- Athens
- Turkey
- Egypt
- Europe (with mommie)
- Backpacking in Japan
- Visit to Gunung Tahan (Haha...all thanx to Cheng)
13) Be part of a full moon party (Koh Samui!!!)
14) Get a siberian husky
15) Visit a temple in Tibet
16) Bring ah ma for a meal on my first pay (she is waiting...)
17) Get onto as many roller coaster rides as possible
18) Learn how to surf
19) Buy a beach house (*waves crashing*)
20) Meditate everyday
21) Learn yoga (*stretches*)
22) Make snow angels
23) Ski
24) Be a volunteer
25) Get a tatoo
26) Write a book (*winks winks* u guys had better buy a few copies)
27) Watch a play in Broadway
28) See Linkin Park live in concert (Accomplished!!! ^_^)
29) Finish an art piece
30) Playing basketball in the rain with someone i love (*drools*)
31) Saying "I love u" to someone face to face (*wonder if i'll be able to find the courage to tell whoever i love...*)
32) Being there as much as i can (for ppl i care about)
33) Learn to play the guitar
34) Change a life (Can i? Or have i? Haha...)

This should keep me busy for quite some time now wouldn't it? *lol* Yeah...it's always good to have something to look forward to. Shalln't bother too much with what's gonna deter me along the way. Anything is possible right? *grinz*

Oh anyways...Spidey 2 is even better the 2nd time. Wow. Hee. Yup. Lucky me got to watch it again cuz my parents wanted to. I think Shukor (a junior of mine) muz be sick of seeing me at the cinema every other day cuz he works there. Haha. I should get a VIP card man. Gimme gimme gimme. M going to Sentosa tmr! Hurray! Another day of fun in the sun with momo ball n chris. *smiles*

I am slacking

she spoke at
10:25 PM

she spoke at
1:31 AM

For everyone i have hurt along the way
I am sorry
For every disappointment i have caused
I am sorry
For not being there all the time
I am sorry
For being self-centered and judgemental
I am sorry
For not being sensitive enough
I am sorry
For not letting you in
I am sorry
For all the regrets i have had
I am sorry
For making you feel bad about yourself
I am sorry

BUT

For everyone i have met along the way
I am thankful
For people who've made my life special
I am thankful
For being there as much as you can
I am thankful
For being selfless and open
I am thankful
For understanding
I am thankful
For your honesty is a precious gem
I am thankful
For everyday is a brand new day
I am thankful
And for every moment that i have you here
I am thankful

And you should be too.

So i guess this says it all. For everything you feel bad about in life, there is always a side that you can be thankful for. And i appreciate it that you guys are always there. Just like how i hope i can be there as well. For the many years to come, may we be walking down this road, hand in hand and heart to heart.

she spoke at
1:15 AM

After a while you learn that the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul.
And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning and company doesn't mean security.
And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts and presents aren't promises.
And you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes wide open, with the grace of an adult, not the grief of a child.
And you learn to build all your roads on today beacause tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans.
After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much.
So plant your own garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you can really endure.
That you are really strong.
And you really do have worth.
~Veronica A. Shoffstall~

Got this outta a book i was browsing. Thought it to be quite inspiring. See no one is perfect. Everyone is here to learn. And altho even i put myself down sometimes, we are all worth something. Somehow. Maybe not everyone would recognise their forte immediately but i guess she's right...we all do have a purpose. As you can see, i am in pretty relaxed mood today. Talk to me on a bad day, i might just say that we are here for no rhyme or reason. But till then.

We are really much stronger than we think we are. So many times, we have all shedded tears, bawled our eyes out. Felt so helpless and devastated. But strangely, we always seem to get by. Why? Are we all made to get over things? Are human beings a natural at getting by after awhile? What about things that never will leave? I'll bet that those are pretty much backed up somewhere, in case our memeories should ever fail. I dunno. Do you?

I should zzz.

she spoke at
2:48 AM

she spoke at
2:26 AM

she spoke at
1:54 AM

It took a few moments of hesitation before i finally decided to post this up. Well...for those of you who would find it nauseating, go ahead and puke your guts out. As for those who liked it, very much appreciated. This lil story is of no factual basis. Just something that i weaved sometime back. So for better or for worse, here goes nothing.

"Of broken wings and jaded hearts. Of crumbling ashes and darkened days. You came. Like the blooming of a flower and the breaking of dawn. The search was over. In fact, it never began. You were always there. It was desire that burned me, curiousity that blinded me. I never saw you. I started listening with my heart and not my ears. I began to see with my soul and not my eyes. That was how i found you.

It all began an innocent friendship. A relationship that took off into full bloom. A love of a lifetime. It wasn't easy. Enormous perils. But hope prevailed for faith never ceases. All it took was for me to believe that love conquered all. That where love is concerned, gender is accidental.

I didn't see you as you for i looked beyond the skin. That was where i unraveled the mystery, saw the meaning of love, the roaring of emotions, the silence of beauty and the awe of perfection.

But life was not a bed of roses nor sweet smelling air. It was vicious. It was crude. Apathy was pervasive and cruelty stark. The foul air was maddening and resentment undying. The constant mockery and the roving eyes admist the peircing screams of blasphemy. They all came crashing, with no warning nor sign. Stifled. Breathless. Appalled. I was digusted at the narrowness of the mind and closeness of the heart. The absence of compassion or the notion of embrace. Who were they to judge? But the pressure was immense. Society is perverse with rules made to follow. We soon will fall into the fallacy of conforming. How do i know this? Because everything is eventual.

Our love grew bleak as the storm brewed in strength. Anxiety clouded my mind as fear clutched my heart. So many pointless puruits and unfufilled desires. Broken hearts and unwoven dreams. We had it all. Almost. Close. But there you left me to stand alone. To be dumped into the mallicious ocean of solitude and agony.

I thought you were different but you are all the same. Shameful, petrified, unwilling to embrace. There was a chance, an opportunity, a life. But you threw it away. Not yours. Mine.

Ever time i shut my eyes, you were there. But dreams were illusions and reality delusions. Reality was blurred and the delusions were real. I wanted to believe what i couldn't see but what i saw blinded me. Fear was the peremptory advocate of the restricted self. You fell. But i am still here.

Those were the days of the bittersweet, the future yet unknown. In hopes to find another like you, i tried. But much to no prevail. Your love was like the heavens' gate, forbidden yet enticing. But the gates stayed shut and i never could pry even till the day i took my last.

I saw you once again somehow. Like the blooming of a flower and the breaking of dawn."

she spoke at
2:40 AM

she spoke at
2:05 AM