A Perfected World

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

Been thinking.
I actually take it to heart.
Spurs me to do silly little things that i might have taken for granted.
I guess you do mean alot.

EVERYONE!!! Just wanna say i love you all!!!

Okie. I have yet to do my assignments that are due tmr. Bleh. I really don't think i can get through school. Thank god for #1 being in most of my classes. Heh. At least there is someone i can depend on. Oopz. Cannot get too dependent. But can't help it if you are dependable right? Hmm. M rambling. Cable car ride!!! Bleh.

Just had a short meeting with lav and meowling. Haven't seen them in months. Thankfully it doesn't really feel that long. Gossips and updates. That is what i call life. As usual...we were very entertained by meowling's happening life. As compared to lav (married to eusoff), kos (currently engaged to polo and trekking), and lizard (long time partner of polo and KR)...yeah i would think that she is the ONLY one with a social life. Heh. Eh lav...think our "meowling-ism" cult is still up and running now that 'you-know-what'. Looking forward to next week. Oh yeah and of course mark's bday thingy this sat. Wonder who we'll see there.

SAKURA IS COMING TMR!!! SO EXCITING!!! HURRAY!!!

Before i sign off...did i mention that some people are evil? Some jackass-es actually left an inflated polo ball (that was pierced with staple bullets) that said "CANOE POLO SUCKS" outside the pool shed. How can anyone be so evil? Okie...apparently some people weren't that pleased with us hogging the pool and using the pool for trainings so often. Come on...its the competition period. Cut us some slack!!! Also heard that our polo guys were quite rude when they were removing the lane ropes when swimmers were still in the pool. According to she who shall not be named. One of them 'diao-ed' her when she commented on how rude it was to move the lane ropes while people were still using the pool cuz it could endanger them (get hit on the head...tangled up...etc...who knows...) Hmmm. We have enemies. *shakes head* BUT i still stand by the fact that people are evil. Don't have to stoop so low to get back at us loh. Childish.

Things will get better.
I just need to make it so.

she spoke at
8:57 PM

I have had enough on ramblings to last me awhile.
Shall stop.
Still i can't seem to un-affect myself from it totally.
Can't believe what i almost did just now.
URGH!
So embarrassing.
The world has just gone topsy-turvy.
Alright.
Enough.

Today was another dumb day. Can't believe i actually thought lecture was from 4-6 when it was suppose to be from 2-4. Was quite surprised to get a "are you coming for class?" call from DZ. I was like "ya...later 4-6 right?" cuz i thought that he was just checking to make sure i will be in class only to realise that it was from 2-4 when DZ said "no...its NOW." Sotongfied. Ended up staying for booth duty...which thankfully was a wise move since that lecture ended at 2.50. Hohoho.

Just played almost 40 mins of non-stop polo. No subs. Ultimate shag-ness. Especially so after the pain sets in. This is definitely crazy. But its is pretty amazing how we lasted the whole game. I remember all of us still trying to chiong for ball even at the last minute in the last game. Impressed. Its really good to see how some of my teammates are improving as individual as well as team players. So proud of you all. ^_^ (Kim...GREAT goal lah - the one that we all so loved!!!) Think my techniques are getting better as well...and how do i know this? Nope. It is not all ego. Its simply because my back is aching like f*** now. So...it only goes to show that i am starting to use the correct technique while paddling. And i think stamina is improving. Hurray! Shall go on moving upslope. Go team!!!

Can't wait to see sakura (japanese national team) come down to play against the NUS guys this thursday. Skipping S.P.A.S.H for that will totally be worth it. Woot! At least something to look forward to.

Before my back breaks.
I shall go lay down.

she spoke at
12:38 AM

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

Let me in
to see you in the morning light
to get me on and all along the tears they come
see all come
I want you to believe in life
but I get the strangest feeling that you've gone away
will you find out who you are too late to change?

I wish I could be every little thing you wanted
all the time
I wish I could be every little thing you wanted
all the time some times

lift me up
just lift me up don't make a sound
and let me hold you up before you hit the Ground
see all come
you say your all right
but I get the strangest feeling
that you've gone away- you've gone away
and will you find out who you are too late to change?

I wish I could be every little thing you wanted
all the time
I wish I could be every little thing you wanted
all the time some times

Don't give me up
don't give me up tonight
or soon nothing will be right at all
salvation
will you find out who you are too late to change?

I wish I could be every little thing you wanted

Tell me why do i feel like i lost you?
And why can't i bring myself to do anything about it?

Helpless. Not hopeless.
Hopeful. Not helping.

But thank you so so so much. You don't realize how much it meant.

she spoke at
3:05 AM

Monday, August 15, 2005

Just woke up from a 6 hour nap. Can't seem to fall back asleep although i am going to try after this.

It's been buggin' me. I really can't quite help it. It's been almost 6 months since i've tried to battle with this feeling. Much to my dislike...i am still unable to deal with it. Maybe i am being too sensitive. Or maybe it's just too much expectations on my part. It could've been something that i did. Something i said. Or perhaps what i didn't. The possibilties are endless and that saddest part of it all is being a by-stander looking at everything that is going on right now. Dismay. And it doesn't go away. Why am i unable to do anything? Pulling back is not going to help much but yet i feel further and further away. How can you lose something that you've never had? Worse thing still...i had it. On the contrary...maybe it isn't so bad. Who knows. It could be under circumstances that things are headed towards a certain direction. It may even well be something that is beyond anyone's control. An attempt at making things seem less than what it is. Not working. Much to my unfortune.

Ramblings. I just need my daily dosage of it.

I am beginning to question alot of things. Things that i am desperately trying to salvage. It could be just a state of mind and things might not be as serious as they seem but i am worrywart. If there is one thing i hate...it is the inability to give. It makes it seem as though i am afriad of being incompetent. Trust me when i say that it is not all about the ego.

Sometimes it feels like you are struggling to stay afloat. Barely keeping your head above the surface. You start to wonder if you are taking things a little too hard. I have seen the effects of trying to shoulder everything and reproaching yourself for everything and it is not a pretty sight. Some people say that it is a very selfish thing to do. As if the whole world revolves around you. As usual...people seem to only see the negative aspect of the entire situation. I have been there and i know how it feels. The intention that we have when we blame ourselves is not to get sympathy nor consolation. It is just that we happen to be the kind of people who can't take such disappointments...disappointments that are there because of what is considered a failure by us. People like us put alot of pressure on ourselves to give what we can. Although i reckon that too much can be destructive. Call it a character flaw. But it is what makes us who we are.

Nevermind that.

Kim: I'm glad that it all worked out for you. Right back at you : "Good things do happen to good people." And you just happen to be great!
Dream Partner: Take care. *hugs*
Candice: I believe in you. Call me if you need anything.

Shall retreat to slumber.
Nothing better than dreams.

she spoke at
1:57 AM

Saturday, August 13, 2005

As the end of the national champs draw nearer
Victors emerge while the others recede.
And a myriad of emotions washed over me.

Don't mind my ramblings. But this entry is dedicated to a passion i call my own. Keeping. This passion was ignited by a brush with fate. It all began when weite asked if i wanted to try keeping. Since then...there has been no looking back. I know i once said that i wanted to be a keeper like weite. Heh. I sure hope i haven't let him down (thank you for your paddle...it got me thru my entire 1st year in canoepolo!!!) It funny how i feel most at home under the goalpost. Its like having my very own territory and allowing no one to trepass. There is a particular day that i will always remember. The initiation match between 'waveryders' (the then junior team) against the seniors. A memory that i use to this day...to remind me of the feeling that i got when i actually performed to the best of my abilities. Today...i found that feeling again. The feeling of perfection. Don't take me literally. Perfection is as what coach gary gaines defines it to be. "Being perfect is not about that scoreboard out there. It's not about winning. It's about you and your relationship with yourself, your family and your friends. Being perfect is about being able to look your friends in the eye and know that you didnt let them down because you told them the truth. And that truth is you did everything you could. There wasn't one more thing you could've done. Can you live in that moment as best you can, with clear eyes, and love in your heart, with joy in your heart? If you can do that gentleman - you're perfect!" It feels damn good. Damn bloody great to know that your efforts paid off. And to hear encouragement and recognition from fellow polo players makes it even more gratifying. Keeping is passion. One i call my own.

This very day...NUS team 2. We were perfect.

Our last 2 matches were the best i have ever played since i entered canoepolo. And having you guys as my teammates is really really wonderful. There is no one else that i would rather have played with because you guys make me so proud. ^_^ I've said this before and i will say it again. This day...as i quote seah kai...we played a perfect game. Altho its pretty diasappointing that we didn't get a medal placing...we know that we did all we could (except for THAT game that shall not be named. URGH!!! Bloody bollocks!!!) So kudos to that. And besides...that goal scored by weining was so late in the game. There was quite little that we could have done. Sorry we could've drew. Too late for that now. We did out best!!! We fought with every single ounce of energy we had. And that is all that matters. Kim...Joey...Weiying...Xueying...Xinning...i heart you all many many!!! You guys are the best...the greatest...the most amazing teammates ever. For all the times we fought so hard and desperate. For all the blood and sweat we've put in. For all the fighting spirit that we possessed. We deserve a HUGE pat on the back!!! We have never once let our spirits bring us down. And we will not.

Now that everything is coming to a close...its time to look forward to a brand new start. The beginning of trainings and working towards our next goal - to become swifter & better player & of course to become as good a keeper as kenneth (minus the attitude of course...tho he is really pretty cool in a yaya kinda way...haha). My utmost respect goes to him. He is an amazing keeper. Fantastic reflexes. Phenomenal saves. What more can i say? You are all going down!!! Wahaha.

The battle has ended for some but it still rages on for the rest. So NUS PANTHERS!!! Let me hear you guys roar!!! You guys rock. Its been great being in the competition with you guys. I heart you all so much!!! Keep on rolling in those goals and breaking all them boats!!! Roar your way to claim the gold!!! You guys are the bestest!!!

To NUS canoepolo...PANTHERS...TEAM 2...and everyone else. Thank you for sharing this tremendous journey with me. Its something that i will hold dear to my heart in time to come. A memory that i will never ever erase.

NUS. Let's chill.

she spoke at
10:07 PM

Thursday, August 11, 2005

Was blog surfing on heavy flow's com when i finally got read mr.canoepolo blogspot's blog. Something he mentioned actually reminded me of what happened on saturday. Thought i would never think of it again. Quote: "my 2nd ref from NTU and the goal line judge is from NUS told me its a goal...i have to trust them...i have to look out for other foul too...ref are humans too...i hope everyone all the ref regardless they are new or old some form of respect...:) sometimes we just don't see things from a ref point of view...i am a player too...almost all ref are players too..." First official duty and there was already a goal discrepancy. TP vs SP. Really stressful knowing that the fate of the team lies upon your decision. Weili couldn't have said it better. When you already have the preconcieved notion that it is a goal...you will see it as a goal. Esp if the shot attempt looks like it will be a goal. Truth be told. I was kinda affected after makin the decision esp when i saw the TP players after that. But what i saw was what i called for. Strange that some people said it was and some wasn't. *shrugs* Sometimes things are just so grey. Speaking of which quite alot of fouls were also not called. Its probably true that we can only see that much. My admiration goes to all the refs. Not an easy job indeed.

Hmmm...suddenly launching into polo talk again. Just had lunch with the girls. So funny. Lizard was saying that we should wait for siti cuz she'll need her daily dosage of polo (just by seeing us) Heh. The paddies went fireworks viewing on tues while i was busying myself at tyeisha's birthday. Wow. How can a kid have so much energy? She was partying with us till like 5am. -_-"' Gonna see the paddies again tmr. Staying in school cuz our match has been pushed up till like 8.30am!!! Gonna be gg down to train at 6.30am. Whoa. Can't believe the crazy schedule. Trainin was till 12am yst. Had to leave by 11.15. Even so i was running like mad. No...make that sprinting like mad just to catch the last bus. URGH!!! Just realize that i actually had quite a few shooting chance after video watchin'. RAR!!! Why didn't i take the shot??? Liling's right. When i want to go in. Make sure i am inside to shoot...if not...don't even go in at all. Uh huh. I will remember that on saturday. *knocks head*

First attempt at penalty shot and tie-breaker shootouts at training today. Stressed. I need to be on form on saturday. Need to keep keep and keep. Focus focus focus. Its damn frustrating when i am off form. Esp during competition. I must keep every ball. EVERY SINGLE ONE of them freakin' balls!!! *psyched up*

Okie. Gg for class now. URGH!!!

she spoke at
3:20 PM

Monday, August 08, 2005

First day of school. No lessons.
First day at work. Ultimate shagness.

Man...the lunch crowd at munchies was crazy today. Imagine sweating in an air-conditioned place. *pants pants* Not easy to earn $22. Not easy at all -_-"' A BIG thank you to marc, kim and candice for coming down today. Touched touched.

Can't believe i didn't eat anything till 8pm today. WHY? Becuz early this morning at woodlands mrt station...a girl named kossy came to realize that her concession ended today. URGH! Did i mention how much i hate the prices of PUBLIC transportation? Come on...its suppose to be a PUBLIC service. So why in hell is it so damn bloody expensive? Yes. So i spent like almost $7 on transportation. N before realizing tt my concession ended today...i actually went to get some small change so that i could take a bus later on. Spent about $1.40 on some sweets. Sweets that (thankfully) lasted me the whole day.

What a day...

Super tired.

she spoke at
10:02 PM

Sunday, August 07, 2005

2 days of the National Champs has passed.
2 days of adrenalin pumpin' action.
2 days of sweat and blood.
2 days of being perfect.

"Being perfect is not about that scoreboard out there. It's not about winning. It's about you and your relationship with yourself, your family and your friends. Being perfect is about being able to look your friends in the eye and know that you didnt let them down because you told them the truth. And that truth is you did everything you could. There wasn't one more thing you could've done. Can you live in that moment as best you can, with clear eyes, and love in your heart, with joy in your heart? If you can do that gentleman - you're perfect!"

- Coach Gary Gaines in Friday Night Lights -

Had a taste of sweet victory yst. Our very first. At least for Kim, XN and i it was. The feeling of exhilaration was, to put it simply- brillant. Hurray for team 2!!! Xueying...Kim...XN...Joey...Weiying...you guys rock!!! I know that the few of us were disappointed for not gettin' in at least 1 goal against NP2 today. But i know you guys fought really hard. (*note to self: cannot frikkin' concede anymore goals!!! URGH!!!) And we'll fight even harder next week.

As for team 1 and IVP (which is essentially the same great team!!! ^_^) Great job guys!!! I heart you all so much!!! You will never know how kan cheong we all were watching today's match against SP. It was phenomenal. 2 goals in a min and a half. What can i say? You guys are the best!!! To me you guys always will be. It's really cool how proud i felt seeing the IVP team huddling together before the start of every match. This is my team. And nothing can beat that feeling.

NUS guys...you guys are doing really well!!! We'll continue to cheer you guys on. We'll scream our lungs out if we must. Go all out!!! ^_^ IVP...NUS 1, 2 and 3. Jia you jia you jia you!!!

Continue to fight hard. The battle is not over yet. Let us all be perfect.

I am perfect.

she spoke at
11:00 PM