What the eyes don't see, the heart doesn't grieve over

No.

What the eyes don't see, the heart does grieve over.

Despite all the ravings about being a freedom seeker.
Posessiveness lurks in the darker corner of my soul.
It's just the innate need to want someone or something to yourself.
But it is normal ain't it?
It only goes to show how much that person or thing means to you.
There's always the pain of watching from the sidelines.
Yet knowing that you've never been treated any less deserving than you should.
It's all in the mind.
And the terrible games it play.

I am a walking contradiction.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Is it possible to fall for someone you barely even know?

Yes.

Just finish "Eleven Minutes". With an ending that touched me at the same time oh so cliche. But the hope it gives to sacred sex and the power of love is strong. And hope is the only thing that we can hang on to in this world.

Ratings: 3.5/5

she spoke at
12:21 AM

Sometimes in life...You get so tired of everything that nothing seems to be worth to live for. You feel like breaking down. And nothing else matters.

Then you see the people around you caving in. And there's nothing you can do about it. Especially since you are not even in the position to say anything without even first knowing something. The feeling of helplessness. And when the strange feeling of sadness overwhelms you whenever someone cries on your shoulder. You realise that saying "everything will be okie" sometimes just doesn't work. You are just deluding yourself and the person ain't it? Cuz is everything really going to be okie? Well eventually it will but definitely not at that moment right?

But for all that is worth...please be strong. There is alot of hidden strength in everyone of us waiting to be unleashed. At least tell yourself that.

Its painful to see everything threatening to fall apart. But yet there are times where you can only express yourself through words. Like how i am. Nonetheless...i worry. There is always a nagging concern at the back of your head don't you think? And it never ever goes away? Only to remind you that perhaps you want to do so much more than you are now...but you just don't know how.

Breaking in silence.

she spoke at
3:56 AM

Passion makes a person stop eating, sleeping, working, feeling at peace. A lot of people are frightened because, when it appears, it demolishes all the old things it finds in its path.

No one wants their life thrown into chaos. That is why a lot of people keep that threat under control, and are somehow capable of sustaining a house or a structure that is already rotten. They are the engineers of the superseded.

Other people think exactly the opposite: they surrender themselves without a second thought, hoping to find in passion the solutions to all their problems. They make the other person responsible for their happiness and blame them for their possible unhappiness. They are either euphoric because something marvellous has happened or depressed because something unexpected has just ruined everything.

Keeping passion at bay or surrendering blindly to it - which of these two attitude is the least destructive?

I don't know.

"Eleven Minutes" by Paulo Coelho

CP rules test is tmr and i haven't started studying. I am so gonna be screwed. Oopz.

Feeling restless and helpless.

she spoke at
1:41 AM

Merry Xmas to everyone!!! Tis the season to be jolly and go crazy!!!

*scratches head* seems like i haven't blogged for quite awhile now. So i shall do a lil update on what went on for the past 10 days before i forget. Heh.

Lumbong
Fun fun fun! Never thought that i would miss trekking that much. Maybe Noel's right. It's probably the company that mattered most. Heh. Esp during dinner. Imagine eating from 7 plus all the way till 1 am. Hmmm...seems like we're getting more innovative. Tang Yuan all the way up at campsite. Wow. A pity i can't go to berkelah lah. Haha. Okie not funny -_-|||

Stayover at Kim's
*lol* This was 'nut-fing' but fun!!! And kim's sis is really really really cute. Sorry Kim but...*clears throat* what happened to u? Hahahaha. Kidding babe. Anywayz...a simple bridge game led to something unthinkable. Who would've thought it to be so *clears throat* scandelous? Okie...thing was...the loser pair in bridge had to finish a piece of durian together and not using their hands! So u could imagine how it looked like when one of us was lying down and the other on top trying to eat the durian. Heh. Kim and Sweeting were the cutest pair cuz silly Kim couldn't keep her mouth close nor stop laughing!!! Haha. Maybe we shall post up the photos soon. So watch this space. Oh...and all these started from trying to eat 7-11 hotties from each other's mouth. Heh. Oh and the 'truth and truth' game that we played was hilarious as well. *winks* Only the 5 of us will know the details lah. So too bad for the rest. *lol*

Gen's Bday celebration
Kudos to *clears throat* Lav and i for picking out the crazy prezzies for Gen. Haha. Everything starting with "G". G strings, Gummies, Grooming kit (this virgin/slut bath set from topshop), (great-looking) Shawls, Green piggy bank (with a gorgeous ass) and what's not. Anyway...it was awesome to see all the babes again. ^_^ But a certain was not shy to make me wait 2 hrs for her. Heh. Okie. Shall stop harping about it eh? It was fun and everyone were really high. Ooh...and Lizard got a 'banana shirt'!!! haha. That was damn cute. And Poh Yen got me a really nice leather wristband thing. Looks good with the tan. Neat! Oh...and it was hillarious how we were trying to get into the crowded train (Lav ML and i) with my long paddle. Haha. Oopz. Got stopped by a stoopid bus uncle who refuse to let me on the bus cuz of the length of the paddle! Talk about being anal. Bleh.

XMAS
Kung Fu Hustle is damn funny!!! Ailina and i were just erupting in laughter. *lol* And so is Meet the Fockers. Man...i would want parents like the Fockers. Haha. Totally wouldn't mind being 'fockerized' (a way of upbringing by giving the kid loadsa hugs and kissing him/her like there was no tomorrow) Aww...Ailina got me a really nice ORANGE mug and a spongebob plate!!! Hurray!!! *holds BIG cup of earl gray tea in hand* And thank u so much lizard for the 7 wonderful prezzies. ^_^ And also to everyone else for being so so so so sweet and just for being u!!!

Friendlies with TP
Yikes. We lost all the 3 matches. *sighs* One against SP and two against TP. 1st match was bad cuz we were so clustered up. 2nd match was slightly better tho our passing really kinda sucked and we were'nt aggressive enough. The 3rd match against SP was (i felt) really not too bad. >_< Tho we didn't manage to score...the attack was much more organised and there was alot more support. Attempted a shot but it was too low and it hit the goal frame. Darn. Oh and poor Kim's gonna be so angry at me for hurting her 'cool butch'. Oopz. My paddle fell on her hand. Ouch. And it was so bad that she couldn't even paddle for awhile. Heh. But it felt good to have blocked out like 2 of her shots. Can't quite register the fact that she's 19 tho. Hmmm...

But fret not WAVERYDERS...we've got SRRR to work towards!!! So no one is to give up on themselves nor the team. Not now. We've already progressed this far...we will be able to move to greater heights!!! ^_^ Cuz i am sure of this team. All we've gotta do is believe!!! And of cuz train like MAD!!!

Oopz...too long an entry already. Just for my own reference peepz...savour the last 5 days of 2004 and embrace a brand new year!!!

Feeling exhausted.
I need a break.
From everything.

she spoke at
10:51 PM

^_^ Just wanted to thank u for being there. It really meant alot. Just happy that there was someone there for me to hold on to. Heh. Though it meant that u had to be sleep deprived along with me. But i really do appreciate it. Remember...u are suppose to bug me no matter where i am and vice versa. *smiles* a BIG hug to u just for being u.

Anywayz...m exhausted from all the back to back trainings. Bleh. Gotta start spending time on everyone else and not get my life too involved in cpolo. Sigh. What Sheri said made sense. But somehow, it becomes a lil tough to juggle.

Good things first. We are showing improvement!!! Go Wave-ryders!!! It quite good that we are correcting our mistakes slowly after every game. Flat 3 passing and passing in general has improved. Cool. Sadly i am still DAMN slow!!! Esp against Ariel who's damn fast!!! Even with Sweeting guarding me, i had trouble trying to run for space. Dammit. Note to self: Must ramp people. Must become stronger (i carried LIZARD!!! ^_^) Must built more muscles. Must start eating again. Must tell self that "KOSSY is GOOD". Come on...it ain't a crime to be delusional. Ha!!!

So sorry to hear about Jing's father's passing. It sad that life can sometimes be so unpredictable and unfair. So i guess we should really all count our blessings. Like how i was can be so moved by mere sms-es and simple gesture of hugs. *smiles*

Live each day like its ur last.
Only then will u taste the true beauty of life.
Fear not the obstacles
And fret not the tears.
For u only live once.

she spoke at
9:23 PM

The paramount of fear is the based on the formidable power of uncertainty.
I am uncertain.

In times like these...u just want to retreat into solidarity. Hibernate and shut urself out from this world. For no apparant reason. PMS maybe? Or could it be the weather? Maybe just pent up feelings that u can't describe?

I don't want to lose everything dear.
I just want to hold on to this moment.

**It is amazing how a short sms chat can give u such a warm fuzzy feeling. Strange as this may sound...I miss u babe. ^-^ And for all those whom i told Da Vinci Code was better than Angels and Demons, i take it back. The latter is actually wuite good!!! Well...what could be more exciting than the lifelong debate of science and religion.

she spoke at
10:59 PM

Had a match against SP today!!! Sadly i let a few balls sail past during the game. But reckon we all did a pretty good job. Not bad for a first game!!! Such a shitty referee since he gave belle a disallowed goal. Darn it. But apparantly we exceeded the expectations of some NUS cpolo team ppl. Really looking forward to be playing with WAVERYDERS during SRRR. Heh. Ooh...and whp could forget Ariel's brillance at "confessing" Kim's admiration to No.8 (WN). Haha. Hillarious. Way to go Ariel!!! N jia you Kim!!!

*Kim tugging her canoe outta the pool*
No.8: Sorry sorry...are u okie? Don't be angry...
*Kim still tugging her canoe outta the pool (saying that she's ok and stuff)*
Ariel: Don't worry, she wouldn't be angry cuz she admires you.
No.8: Looked a tad embarrassed *chuckles* and paddles away.
*Kim totally didn't hear what was going on*

Dinner was FANTABULOUS. 18 turned up in the end. Kinda reminds me of some street gang trying to stir up trouble. Heh. Nah. Such angels we were. But dammit. We were stuck in the horrendous jam for like 3 hours. Thing is...that was probably the best part of the whole journey.^_^ Esp when Kim and i hopped off the bus only to realise that the rest were still in the bus. Thankfully everytone got off in the end. But it was a whole loadsa fun. Wild Wild Wet anyone?

.....................................................................................

How do you know whether anything is ever enough? Sometimes...you don't.
Because life just is.

So is love.
How can anyone love too much?
Or can they?

It sad when one is torn between putting the self before the other and the other before self. To take the leap or worry about the one watching you take the leap. But what is safe? When has the world ever been safe? Are you willing to take jumps? Or would you stay behind for the worries that can sometimes become too overbearing? Then it comes to the ultimate question of why didn't you keep me on the safe side?
But no one can stay safe forever.
Because everything is ephermeral.

A reeking feeling.
The agony of emptiness
And lonesome personified.

she spoke at
1:57 AM

I'm back!!! Again. It's been such a happenning AE (after exams) week!!! (Sorry babe...for being unable to go Msia with u.) I need a freaking JOB!!!

My phone is down AGAIN. Pls call 63670298 or look for me via me mommie at 97666073 k? Thanx alot peepz...>_<

Rovers Chalet
A DAMN good feeling to be reunited with all of my rovers kakis and dah-lings!!! Went BBQ-ing kayaking, blading, played indian poker and had to get my ASS kissed by greg and vice versa. Man. What kinda forfeit is that? But it was fun nonetheless. *sniffs* there goes my first butt kiss. Here's a pix for proof!!!



Haha. Ooh...and there was also a mini 'strip show' bet two guys. Haha. U guys must be wondering how much drinks we had right? We were sober!!! Well...pretty fun. Felt kinda sad during the prize presentation ceremony. Can't believe that a year flew past that quickly.

CP Training
Heh. First official training after the long exams break. Hurray!!! Learning stern dip now. Lalala. Hopefully we'll be able to learn it before this sat's friendlies with SP. (Singapore Poly) Abit nervewreaking actually...considering that SP is a strong team. *panics* Oh...and guess what? We managed to cap Seah Kai like 4-5 times in a row! And we're talking about someone who can lift himself parallel to he ground using only a vertical bar. *in awe* Haha.

Airport send off
*sniffs sniffs* Jie mei has gone to INDIA for a month!!! Bon voyage!!! Anyways...it was quite hilarious how we TRIED to surprise him. XN was trying to get him to tell us where he was without making it obvious that she was gonna send him off. I mean who would call and ask so much details right? Haha. Funniest was kim who called and said that she was at the airport to send off her friend who was going to Cambodia. Then she proceeded to say that her friend's IN Cambodia. Haha. And when we spotted him, Belle went to hide behind the wall while the rest of us sprinted off only to squat down so as not to get spotted. LOL. So dramatic. Well...he was surprised indeed. Heh.

Oh...and something even funnier happened when we were at Swensens. See...halfway thru our meal, the waitresses and a few supervisors sorta were hanging ard our table area before one of them tapped me at the back saying that this guy wanted to know me or something like that. Hahahahaha. Candice was telling me maybe it was some fat and oily cook. Oopz. Who knows. We didn't get to see who it was in the end. Oh yeah and the Candice said that he might have been cute even, since even a sweeper can look cute (a young and really quite cute NUS sweeper *shock*) Okie. Thing was...XN offered to pretend to be my gf. Haha. In fact, we played our roles so much and so well that Kim began to think that we were really serious. Haha. Should see XN when she's trying to be pissed. So attitude. Haha. M so shameless. No no...we are so shameless.

Anyway...kudos to a newly formed club the "Dickless Annonymous" with 3 existing members. Haha. To B1, B3, NB1 and NB2...thanx for the great company today. We should all play bridge more often!!! Oh no...better zzz...training tmr.

In a good mood.

she spoke at
3:32 AM

AIDS is no longer just a disease it is a human rights issue.
~Nelson Mandela~

World Aids Day

Hey people...please join the Global Petition in the fight against aids!!!
It will only take a minute of ur time. ^_^

http://46664.tiscali.com/

Pretty cool that 46664 was Nelson Mandela's prison number when he was held in captivity for 18 years.

Anyway...Today will probably be the worse accident i'll ever get into in Canoe Polo. Haha. Got hit by a kayak. And that guy was going a super fast spped. *ouch* Got hit directly at the area in between the tummy and the ribs. Ooof. Man. Happened so fast i couldn't even react. And the impact knocked the wind outta me!!! Fortunately i'm still alive and typing. *breathes deeply and feels the area of impact* Hopefully nothing too serious will happen after. Bleh.

There are so many things i don't understand.
There are so many people i don't want to disappoint.
There are so many words left unsaid.
So many unkept promises.
So many broken vows.

I am bruised.

she spoke at
2:06 AM