Yeah i am indeed.

Okie. So here's a diagnosis of my knee. NUS doc: Torn ligament (ACL - whatever that is...) and then Polyclinic doc: Probably a meniscus injury. Bleh. Whatever it is. It sounds pretty shitty. Anywayz...gonna be seeing an ortho this mon at Alexander Hospital. Woot! Thankfully its an early apppointment cuz the other orthos like those at NUH, can only see me in March. What the heck. Mom even told me not to have the surgery (touch wood touch wood), should there be one, during the CNY period. *lol* Cuz she don't want me to spend CNY lying on a hospital bed. Bleh. I might not even need one. (don't think so much don't think so much)

Kim: Glad that everything worked out for u in the end. *smiles and hugs* And seriously...too many parallels babe. It's freaky. *lol*

Jem: Whatever happened just now was VERY funny!!! I can't believe i totally missed the point. *shakes head* We were on a totally different frequency!!! *lol* But next week would be great. Heh.

Been kinda (emotionally) high strung recently. *shrugs* I don't like this feeling. Yeah...not that i can help it. Must tell self to stop being such a wuss. Urgh. Tear ducts should be cut out. Hmmm...just had a sudden recollection what Shane said in "the L word" about someone telling her if she don't start to feel, she'd become a psychopath. *lol* But when she does...(and gets her heart broken by some (HOT!) married woman) she felt like her heart was being ripped out. Aww. Talk about being able to feel eh? Sometimes its better to be frozen and void of the complexity of emotions. Bleh. Poor Shane. But she is so damn HOT!!!

I am once again disappointed.

she spoke at
1:04 AM

Guess what? M now recovering from a knee injury. -_-||| Here's hoping that it will get better really soon. Cuz i do miss being able to run around. Anyway...progress seems okie. Altho i think i freaked mom out when i started to get paranoid about it just now. Well...mom commented that i've been like that since i was a kid. Always getting spurs of paranoia. Heh.



To my dearest WaveRyders: SRRR is finally over. But this is not the end but a brand new beginning. Like i've mentioned before, we have barely even left the harbour, so there really is a huge open sea waiting for us to tread on. ^_^ Whatever it is...i guess Weite is right. We should enjoy the game and the process itself and take winning just as an end result. Of course we have to strive to win for that is what we all train for. But there is somethings that are far more important, that is having made a buncha team mates that we'll always hold dear to. I'd quote my favourite band on this one. "But in the end no matter what i pretend, the journey is more important than the end or the start" ~Linkin Park's "In the End (remix)"~ Yeah. So much more to do and a long long way to go. So hopefully we'll all look to the skies and aim for the clouds!!! ^_^ National Champs eh?

I have to admit that it feels like shit not being able to be part of the game earlier today. But i could see that everyone fought really hard. And that was what matters the most. Altough sometimes u can't quite help but feel miffed about the 'what ifs'. Sigh. I recall writing this in one of my old entries. Something like "the saddest travellers are those on the road of 'what ifs'". So kinda pointless to be questioning what could have been ain't it? Bleh. I sound like a goddamn inspirational speaker.

Gonna be MIA from cpolo for awhile now. Hoping to use this time to recuperate and catch up with people dear to me. Been neglecting household chores. Oopz. And considering how near it is to new year. Heh. And hey *s*...i dunno if u are reading this but i am sure we'll work it out so keep ur head up in the meantime k? Rob a bank maybe? Heh. Okie not funny...err m just trying to lighten things up. >_<

U sit and wonder when the 'war' will end. But the cease fire is never ever initiated.

And i am disappointed at somethings that i shouldn't even really be bothered about.

This is the life of me.

she spoke at
9:15 PM

As you probably can tell...i am hopelessly in love with this new skin. Heh. Till i get to design my own that is.

Been thinking that i should attempt another year of (hopeful)resolution to kick off all my old habits. Yeah old habits die hard. But they will die. Eventually. Or at least there's always room to hope and try. *lol*

To u: Thanx for taking time off for the long conversation we had the other night. I still can't believe some of the things we actually spoke about. So damn embarrassing. Heh. But it was kinda good though. A very cathartic experience. *gwaffles* Ooh...and who could forget the 'menage a'trois' i had the other day. *lol* Okie people please don't take the word literally yeah? I am a very very good kid. *winks*

Anyway...was out the whole day with mom and dad. Kinda feels good considering that i am seldom around on weekends ever since cpolo came into play. Been taking a break off cpolo for awhile. Kinda miss it. But it feels kinda good to be resting for a couple of days. *thinks sleeping at unearthly hours* err...heh. Oopz. But i guess life doesn't only revolve around one thing since there are so many other things that are very important as well. I do need to set my priorities right. There there...

Can't wait for DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES to air on monday!!! *whistles* They actually beat Sex n the City to clinche best drame. Wow. The ad's hillarious!!! Hmmm...just caught some show with Joseph Fiennes and Heather Graham in it. Some incestrous sister killing off all her brother's lovers cuz she is in love with him. Bleh. And yeah typical plot where the brother becomes the suspect and the audience is duped into thinking that he is a jackass psycho killer who's gonna murder his new wife. Blah blah blah...American Idol is good though. *lol* Auditions are indeed the best part of the entire series.

To end things off on a tinge of sadness. Why is it so hard to be callous towards what u don't want to be thinking about? *sigh* So confused. So scared. Yet again. Which part of life isn't scary and confusing? Oh and in accordance to my previous entry. Maybe even parents and child can't have unconditional love since there often lies expectations and obligations. So saddening to know that such a perfect form of love doesn't exist. Afterall...nothing is perfect.

Wishing for this crumpled up paper to be straight again.

she spoke at
2:37 AM

The human spirit is a dull instrument and often we're no better at figuring out how to take care of ourselves than the lowest worm in the ground

~"Timbaktu" by Paul Auster~

Sometimes you just feel that you are better off alone.
Incompetent to take care of anyone else.
Afraid to love and afraid to fall.
Like how you push the thoughts of love into the depths of your mind.
And start to feel less with your heart.
That is where you fail.
In even taking the first step to being responsible of someone.
When you can't even take good care of yourself.

The reason why so many people run away from matters of the heart.
Is purely because the complexities of emotions is too much to take.
Often the lingering question of who will hurt.
And an answer that is unfounded and irrelevant.
For even before the question was made.
The answer was already certain.
Choosing to run away than to cut a wound.
Hiding instead of leaving one so deeply scarred that hurt is no longer an option.
But a wretched reality.
You can run.
But you cannot hide forever.

Sometimes it appears that unconditional love is all a facade.
A love that only seems possible between a mother and child.
Non-judgemental and free of jealousy.
Just a pure love that exists within a soul dwelling in two bodies.

Are you in love?

she spoke at
3:51 AM

This was shown to me by a dear friend of mine. Apparantly she got it from some blog. Thought it was really meaningful...

What is there left to hold on to, when this glorious thing called life itself is so ephemeral? When everything we seem to have really fades, change or disappear completely with time? Our emotions, convictions, relationships are never constant; happiness and love are found and lost in turns; we live and then at a certain moment we don't anymore... where is the sense in this all?
Yet, holding on can be something beautiful. Even when we know that it will be all in vain at the end, even though it will bring us the most difficult times ahead, it is the only thing that we as humans can try to do in the face of sorrow, loss, bewilderment or incomprehension. We are going to try holding on anyway, because there are so many things that are worth the while -- feelings and memories
Memories that remind us just what warmth, bliss, pride, comfort, or pure happiness really is about. Holding on will make it harder for us, but why should life be easy anyway?
And so I close this day of dying with a most delectably wonderful song by Prefab Sprout that never fails to remind me to hold on...

Name me one little thing / You'd be wanting to keep
As you give up the ghost / As you sink into sleep
Maybe her face in the morning / Maybe his in the evening
Maybe words never spoken / Aren't they the ones worth hearing?
Nothing sounds as good as / "I remember that
Nothing sounds as good as / "I remember that..."
Like a bolt out from the blue / Did you feel it too?
'Cause that's all we can have / Yes that's all we can trust
It's a hell of a ride / But a journey to dust
And there's nothing pathetic / Listing clothes she'd wear
If it proves that I had you / If it proves I was there...

Are u holding on to anything?

she spoke at
1:03 AM

It has been found.

First of all...to all those who have been so sweet during my lost wallet period. I really really thank u. U guys were really supportive and encouraging and i appreciate that very much. It meant so much more than u can ever imagine. N hey...u are not shy for making me cry in lecture. *smiles* But i was so touched. Thanx again. And babe...sorry ah i keep crying these days. Heh. Such a crybaby. >_<

SRRR
Such a long journey for something that has gone too soon. Wow. Can't believe that it is all over. Guess only those who are in it with u can feel the intense emotions of the entire experience. An exhilirating 2 days filled with a mixed feeling bittersweet as well as adrenalin. Played 3 matches in 2 days. And tho we lost all our matches: TP 3-1, SP 4-0 and NP 4-0, i thought that we Waveryders put up a damn good fight (esp in defense cuz they couldn't even shoot!!! ^_^) considering that they were the senior teams. But of course there is always the constant nagging at the back of ur head that u could've done better. Like how i could've let 2 balls (TP) sail right past my frikkin paddle. Anywayz...had a few shooting opportunity today but i let the ball slipped from my hands!!! Grr!!! Might've had a shot at scoring for the team! Bleh. Shouted "FUCK" so loudly, the NP girl had to scream at me to mind my language. Oopz. I am so vulgar. So much more to train for and the NATIONALS to look forward too!!! Go WAVERYDERS!!! "Every Stroke's Deperation...and Every Ball is Ours!!!"

It was really fun to see the entire team NUS screaming their lungs out from the grandstand. Btw...SP is really quite bias. Bleh. Kena Sai. The Senior girls fought really hard. *cheers hard for them* Nationals shall be all of our next aim. ^_^ Go NUS!!! Even the junior guys fought very hard!!! Good job guys. And heard the year 2s won the appeal to disallow a goal by the opponent!!! As for Blackstorms...WOW!!! That is all i can say. Any idea how the WaveRyders aspire to be the female version of u guys? We'll work really hard. Come on girls!!!

Its been such an enriching experience and here's a BIG thank u to team NUS and my dearest WAVERYDERS for sharing it with me. Especially dedicated to our 2 crazy and (not) shy coaches. U all have been so great and sweet as well!!! Haha. Weite and Kuan Ho were exceptionally sweet today!!! (literally) Haha. And the BIG ultraman was damn cute!!! *squeezes its hands*

The stay at XN's lounge was really fun too. Sorry Kim for bullying u. Heh. Can't help it lah. To the rest who are down with injuries. Pls rest well...polo will always wait to have u back when u are better *looks at wrist* Okok...i will also. Haha. Its now back to more normal stuff in life and more attention to those that i have neglected. *shrugs*

Anyways...i hope that u 2 will stay strong okie? Altho m not always sure what is wrong. Which is saddening cuz it gives the feeling of helplessness. But really hope that everything will get better soon. When u are so down...the only way to go is up!!! (kim ^_^) Yeah. Chins up everyone!!!

AGBN is good!!! Dude...keep it up!!! We'll be there for more gigs. (switchfoot rocks!) Check out http://agbn.blogspot.com ^_^ (Thanx girls for coming...and Jamie it was great to see u again too!!! And the bball match was really fun!!! Altho we *ahem* got trashed *hides face* by the super juniors...)

Sometimes u just want to give up. Let go for everything there is. But u know that for the sake of somethings...u will choose to hold on. (I dunno when this will blow over...)

But i am still holding on.

she spoke at
1:36 AM

He can sometimes be the most insensitive and egoistic male chauvanist ever!!! Can't believe he made mommie upset again. *growls* What is his problem? Not as if he has never had bad days in his life. Why do we have to put up with his and we have to smile and be cheery everyday just to avoid showing him a black face? So now what? We can't show emotions? Can't feel tired nor moody? Where's the justice in that? Its not that i don't respect him. Just that sometimes he pisses me off so bad. Okie. So he is my dad. But still...blah blah blah...

Guys...*rolls eyes* What is wrong with them?

Anyway...it felt damn good to beat the junior guys today. But no no...we can't be contented. SRRR is THIS WEEK!!! Grr...darn it!!! Gotta jia you!!! No one is to overstrain k? *looks around at those who are injured* Don't pretend u dunno ah?

Every stroke is deperation...
Every ball is ours

Go WaveRyders!!!

School starts at 8am tmr. Damn.

*tired*

she spoke at
1:39 AM

I wanna cry.

I can't believe that i sprained my wrist!!! *wails* Not to mention that there's gonna be a friendly match this sat. *sigh* It so painful i can't even bend it forward nor back. And worse of all...i can't rotate!!! How am i going to hold a paddle to keep? Not to mention a strange back injury and how i got an ankle injury while trying to roll. -_-||| Thank God for Caiwang's fast reflexes to pull me back after attempting to hand-tackle me cuz i screamed "i have a leg cramp!!!" *phew* Anyway...we played a really good game against the senior girls and junior guys yesterday. We beat the seniors (but lizard was sitting out...) 2-1. And the junior guys scored thru fast breaks. Cuz they were obviously faster than us. BUT...our dear Ariel managed to win the sprint against alvin!!! U rock girl!!! Well done!!! This could work during SRRR. Which is in about a week's time. -_-|||

Was gonna go help pack stuff for the Tsunami victims at some place in CCK. But didn't manage to go today. Was thinking of asking sheri and ailina along tmr but how m i to carry things with my injury? *wails*

I feel like i am a burden. Tell me how can i not be? I really don't know how. After everything that they have done. It never seems to be enough. And i don't know what to do. These are the times that you wish you never existed.

I am helplessly useless.

she spoke at
10:28 PM

My muscles are aching badly! Worse than i thought. Sigh. Too much weights! But for more muscles i will have to endure! *thinks of not looking so scrawny* Kinda excited and at the same time worried that SRRR is just around the corner. Nothing but trainings these days. Wonder if i am neglecting everything else. Wait a minute. I think i am.

But u are right. I am not superwoman.

It felt really good talking to u on the phone again. I miss those days babe. I really do. Hope to make this more often yeah? Thanx for making me feel better. Just by talking to me about regular stuff. ^_^ Distraction is really good. Please go drink more water. Don't get sick!

Had some alone time at woodlands library today. Books are therapeutic. Especially when u are feeling really down and out. -_-||| Managed to borrow "A clockwork orange", "Shopgirl" (Yes. The Steve 'the actor/comedian' Martin book) and "Timbuktu" (some book in the point of view of a dog) Neat huh? "The 5 people you meet in Heaven" is really good! Just found out that the book i wanted for so long is called "Sputnik Sweetheart" - A story about a lady in love with a woman 17 years her senior and her relationship with a guy buddy who secretly admires her but gets fustrated with her sexuality and resorts to sleeping around with his student's mom Heh. Found this description in my previous online diary. Yeah.

Lizard!!! Please take care of urself can? *sticks out tongue* And remember to monitor everything. I will drag u personally if i have to.

Life is a bitch.
So fuck it.

she spoke at
1:58 AM

Once upon a time, there was a bird. He was adorned with two perfect wings and with glossy, colourful, marvellous feathers. In short, he was a creature made to fly about freely in the sky, bringing joy to everyone who saw him.

One day, a woman saw this bird and fell in love with him. She watched his flight, her mouth wide in amazement, her heart pounding, her eyes shining with excitement. She invited the bird to fly with her, and the two travelled across the sky in perfect harmony. She admired and venerated and celebrated that bird.

But then she thought: He might want to visit far-off mountains! And she was afraid, afraid that she would never feel the same way about any other bird. And she felt envy, envy for the bird's ability to fly.

And she felt alone.

And she thought: 'I'm going to set a trap. The next time the bird appears, he will never leave again.'

The bird, who was also in love, returned the following day, fell into the trap and was put in a cage.

She looked at the bird everyday. There he was, the object of her passion, and she showed him to her friends, who said: 'Now you have everything that you could possibly want.' However, a strange transformation began to take place: now that she had the bird and no longer needed to woo him, she began to lose interest. The bird, unable to fly and express the true meaning of his life, began to waste away and his feathers to lose their gloss; he grew ugly; and the woman no longer paid him any attention, except by feeding him and cleaning out his cage.

One day, the bird died. The woman felt terribly sad and spent all her time thinking about him. But she did not remember the cage, she thought only of the day when she had seen him for the first time, flying contentedly amongst the clouds.

If she had looked more deeply into herself, she would have realised that what had thrilled her about the bird was his freedom, the energy of his wings in motion, not his physical body.

Without the bird, her life too lost all meaning, and Death came knocking at her door. 'Why have you come?' she asked Death. 'So that you can fly once more with him across the sky,' Death replied. 'If you had allowed him to come and go, you would have loved and admired him even more; als, you now need me in order to find him again.'

Its kinda sad isn't it, the way this story goes?

Do you want to be free?

she spoke at
1:45 AM

Some of the things i loved in 2004
- Mom and dad resolving their issue
- Still having 3 of my 8yrs and counting buddies around ^_^ N i do LOVE u! *hugs*
- Being called someone’s ‘other half’
- Being hugged to zzz (heh!) Thank u for being ard too!
- A new 'nanny' (heh!)
- To my friends who've always been there
- To u whom i've had so many on-off issues that we tried to solve and managing to somehow (right?)
- Canoe Polo ^_^ (no regrets!)
- Wave-Ryders *BIG hug*
- Rovers 24th (Biz cell rox!!! ASSHOLE!!! ASS-CHICKS!!!)
- Linkin Park concert
- Sex and the City
- Star gazing at Gunung Stong
- Lumbong
- My 20th Birthday *beams*
- Relationship problems that made me a stronger person
- Saw (I am psycho!)
- The L word *winks*
- Stay-overs in school
- SC2219 (haha!)
- Foodhunt 2004
_ "Man and Wife" by Tony Parsons (Thank you Thomas!)
- Lindsay Lohan *drools*
- Maroon 5
- Spongebob Squarepants
- CSI marathons
- Watching fireworks at the Esplanade
- Kayaking 2-stars
- Jay Zhou’s concert
- Olympic games!!!
- Mao Mao wallet ^_^

Boo boos of 2004
- Relationship problems that made me a stronger person
- Ah ma’s hospital scare
- Urban escape 2004
- Mom and dad's issue
- Year 1 Semester 2 in NUS >_<
- Blade Trinity (sigh...)
- The Prince and Me (why is Julia Stiles in trashy films?)
- No more LOTR to look forward to at the end of each year
- The Swan (for encouraging plastic surgery)
- Singapore Idol (what’s the deal?)
- Not following up with the NBA season!!! *growls*
- SC2219 (for being converted into a level 3000 module)
- Canada *shrugs*
- A bloody tsunami attack to usher in the new year
- The Iraq war
- George W Bush
- Jay Zhou concert (for the badddd crowd)

Okie...i cannot really remember all the lil details but these stuff are what really made 2004 an easier one to get thru. So here's the welcoming of a new year ahead. I wonder what will be installed in the new year. Yikes! Time is flying past so quickly u can't even stop to smell the roses.

Before i end this lengthy and not so substantial highs and lows of 2004. I just wanna say sorry to all whom i have forgotten to mention or events that i have forgotten to include. Knowing me...i think i missed out on alot of other stuff. I just need someone to trigger the events. Oopz.

To everyone special in my life. (U should know who u guys are!) I love u all. Just taking this chance to say so cuz too many castastrophies have been occuring and doesn't it make us all realise how precious and fragile life really is? 2004 has been a relatively hard year. Let's hope 2005 will rock! Just browsed through my ild diary. Wow. I miss it. Haha. Okie nuff said! Go ahead and scream to the people you love that you love them!!!

This is the new me.

she spoke at
1:43 AM

HAPPY NEW YEAR TO ALL!!! ^_^

she spoke at
10:47 PM