A Perfected World

Monday, May 16, 2005

Does it hurt when you cry?
Much less when i die.
I slept through a bomb.
I woke way past it's prime.
When the world was all dark.
My eyes bled and were cut.
Don't mind the screams now.
This isn't foul.
I just want to know...
Does it hurt when you cry?
No.
Much less when i die.

~La pooh~

Just watched "Kingdom of Heaven". What is it with epic movie these days? First there was LOTR. Then came King Authur. Troy. Alexander. Now KOH. Interesting. Well...i can't exactly say that it wasn't worth the money but not really what i had expected. In fact, the characters could have been made out to be more intense since there were really quite a couple of them that i thought would have left a deep impact but unfortunately they were not capitalized by the screenwriter/director. Call it the 'cult of bloom' if you may. KOH is really about Orlando Bloom. I mean come on. He is in practically EVERY single scene. Yup. He is really being glorified in this show. What a sell out! Hmmm. I have to admit that he looked more appealing as an elf though. Okie. Nuff of blooming. I guess what saved the show was the action. Not as good as LOTR and the battle of Helm's Deep but it is pretty decent. The resemblance is rather uncanny to LOTR though. Maybe that's cuz all epic battle scenes look alike? Heh. And of course. Who can forget the true-to-life message about religion/honour/respect that is being echoed through the show. I think that the war between the muslims and the christians and the whole issue about religion was a really interesting (yet touchy) topic to ponder about. I especially liked the final speech that Balian (Bloom) gave before the battle. He said something like "who has claims over the mosque, the (some other religious monuments that i can't recall). No one. We all have claim." Quite a few scenes also had a kind of powerful subtlety. Not to mention that there were a few really insipiring quotes such as this one: "You are not what you were born, but you have it in yourself to be." Well...Aside to the glorification of Orlanda Bloom and the action packed battle sequences...the story could have been better woven and the other characters given more depth and dynamic. Let's just say that this is a 3 1/2 outta 5 epic movie. Definitely not Scott at his best nor does this echo the prowess of "Gladiator" and is it just me or does Orlando need more than KOH to showcase his ability to give depth to his on-screen character? Hmmm. Bloom fans...don't kill me. *skoots off covered in a veil*

How many nations are there in the sky?
One nation in the sky.
If there's only one nation in the sky, shouldn't all passports be valid for it?

~Life of Pi~

That is my take on religion.

she spoke at
11:11 PM

Was just browsing thru my old diary at opendairy.com and i realize that so many things i wrote then made so much more sense. Maybe cuz that was a rougher period than it was now. Afterall...they all say that inspiration hits u at the strangest time. This one is about love and of course written by Tony Parsons. One of my all time favourite novel.

"Man and Wife" 5/15/2004
"Sometimes we have to stay away from the things we love. And learn to appreciate the things we need." -Tony Parsons

Well well...is this any true? Someone once asked me a question of whether i would choose the person whom i love or love the person i am with. Something along that line. It's strange that one is not any better or worse than the other. It all comes down to a choice of what u love and what u need to do. Somehow all my recent entries are addressing this issue. Perhaps it speaks true of life. What are ur takes on this one? I would like to hear some answers. Was reading "Man and Wife" by Tony Parson the other day and that was where i stumbled upon this quote. It set me thinking. If i were to choose the person i love, and hurt the person i am with, what if i come to realise that the one whom i love is not love afterall. We all have our share of folly, where lust, admiration, respect, and whatever other complicated emotions can become so perplexed that we mistake it for love. Then BOOM! Big mistake. No turning back and just like that, u have lost both the person u love and the person u were with. Scary thought izzen it? But yet again, izzen life a gamble? Everything has risks involved. U win some, u lose some. Nothing more, nothing less.

"If u are capable of loving someone, then there's never total freedom. There can't be. You give it up. You give up your freedom. For something that's better." - Tony Parsons

For someone like me, committment seems to be an unavoidable issue. Well, it's often the "i dun think i can commit" phrase that replays in my head whenever a possible partner comes along. Is it really that frightening to step into a relationship? Do freedom seekers like me get put off by the turmoils of having to lose personal space and learn to have a shared boundary when one enters a relationship? Perhaps i haven't loved enough then. Maybe there were times where i was ready to step into a sphere of non-freedom, or just the less of it. But...well let's just say that fate had some alternative plans. So there. Still single. And happy at that. At least for now. I guess when u are in love, u give up going solo and start learning to share. Everything would become clear. Somehow, u would start pondering and realising that u guys were meant to have a new life. Not neccessarily devoid of freedom, but definintely one that anticipates the coming of responsibilities, a time where u need to seriously look out for each other. I mean, that is what being in love is about right? U start to take care the ups and downs and lefts and rights of that special person. For something that's better? Indeed.

"How can two people who have loved each other ever really lose each other?" - Tony Parsons

Yeah. I think u got the gist of it already. This entry's inspired by the book by Tony Parsons. Take a read if u may. It may not be the greatest book u have ever read. But trust me when i say that there are issues that we see in everyday facade that are being discussed. Not to mention some close terk-jerking moments. I recall that this was said by the protagonist of the story to this woman whom he nearly had an affair with. Or rather sorta had an affair with. "You'll always matter to me Kazumi. I won't stop caring about you if you are with some other man...Four billion people in the world and i care about a handful of them. Including you. Especially you. So don't talk as though we are throwing each other away." I guess at any one point in ur life, u would have met someone special. Or many a few someone specials whom u might have shared unforgettable moments with. Uh huh. I see many of u nodding now. So reackon it true that once u have loved someone, u would never be able to really shrug him/her off? That somehow, somewhere, that person will linger in ur heart and in ur memory? So whenever we fear that as time, the great manufacturer of all things, might come and strip those memories away from u, fret not. Well at least i believe that whatever had happened would become a part of u. No matter how faded and rusty the memories may be, u will take it to the grave. So i agree. Yes. U will never really lose the person u love, once love or would have loved. Because they will never be too far away. Physicality is just a state of desire. Emotionally, there will never be a day that will go by without having that person in ur heart. What do u think?

"Life holds hostage all those we love" - Tony Parsons

I am pretty darn sure that all of us have heard about the phase "Nothing last forever." Well, sad but how awfully true. There are umpteen people out there i am sure, people who have loved and lost. Indeed. Our creator can create a life just as easily as he can take it away. What we call life. Quite clever of the author to have evoked that imagery of life as a terrorist. Oopz. Immediate word association whenever i hear the word hostage. Don't u think it's apt? I mean life does hold those whom we love in hostage. Every single day, we are confronted by risks. Every minute, we have to make decisions that could possibly endanger the ones we love. There's no room to falter. Talk about Fate and destiny. For non believers, these words are complete bollocks. But for people who do believe, it is sad that people we love, albeit to have led a righteous and honourable life, would leave without a word as life calls, beckoning them into a new world. It may not neccessarily pertain to death itself. Even choices made to leave for a new place, lead a new life counts. Anything is possible. Funny how we all strive to curb terrorism literally but we have yet to cope with a terrorist that has been bugging us since the day we hit the cradle. Life.

So what does all these point to? Appreciating whoever u have right now? I guess that's the oh-so cliche that we hear about all the time. Much as we hate to admit it, be it cuz of our constantly piling cynicism or uncontrolled ego, to go all mushy about love and life. Lemmi just put it this way. U only live once. Period.

Here's something i love..."The stars are like photographs. You can read into them what you will. You can believe that they measure all you have lost, or you can believe that they represent all you have loved and continue to love." So perhaps the next time we all get a chance to take a breather and stare at the star-filled sky, it would not only be a cosmic phenomenon, but something much more meaningful. Something that most of us have not the luxury to do anymore. Maybe i shall go on a retreat. To sit under the stars and dream away into the night sky.

Nice.

she spoke at
1:32 AM

Sunday, May 15, 2005

Two treks in 5 days. Exhilaration. Awesomeness. Bliss. Escape.

Went on a trek with Candice, CH, HJ and Joel last fri. Almost immediately after the exams (i ended on thurs...). It was really pretty interesting to be trekkin with a bunch of experienced people. Well at least most of us have about 3-4 treks under our belts already. As compared to my other trip just 2 days ago...this trip made us seem like we were superman/woman. The speed difference was SO immense (we even got to bath at the first waterfall before proceedin to Kota Tinggi town. Hohoho) But of course it is expected since most participants that we take on treks are 'virgins'. Heh.

You know the thing about trekkin is that its really cool to be sharin with ur fellow trekkers about ur own experiences and treks as well as introducing them into the world of trekkin. If i were u...i would at least trek once in my life. Just for the heck of it (but yet again maybe that is just my point of view). Even after 2 trips (one with and one without participants) AND to the same place for both trips (LUMBONG - Kota Tinggi waterfalls) i yearn for more. That is how addictive trekkin is. And it was only after these trips that i suddenly realize how much i really miss trekkin altho it wouldn't be advisable for my knee in the long run. >_<>

Anyway the trek 2 days ago (with participants) was loaded with a series of unfortunate events. Some had attributed it to the fact that it conicided with friday the 13th. I am not a supertitious freak myself but that could've held true if one were so. Heh. So what really happened? We had a few victims of bee stings...participants who got lost (thankfully they were found safe and sound *heave a HUGE sigh of relief*)...committee member who busted his knee...(fortunately no encounters with water snakes this time round) Well of course not only bad things happened cuz love was in the air. Okie that might not be entirely a good thing cuz watchin lovey-dovey couples just makes u illuminate and not to mention that it serves to be a (painful?) reminder of ur (sad?) status. Okie...that aside...the best news was...we managed to bring steamboat up the trek and thanx to HQ's trusty icebox...all the fresh food that we brought up escaped unscathed!!! They didn't go bad!!! Woot!!! And so...TOM YAM STEAMBOAT it was. A breakthrough for treks!!! A 1st time (according to pa's knowledge) that such an attempt was made!!! Imagine havin steamboat at the end of a trek at the campsite under the stars!!! Yes indeed. Watch this space for more pictures!!!

Alright enough of trekkin news. But seriously...i can never get sick of trekkin. Uh huh. It is an ADDICTION. Ask people who trek. They'll prolly tell u the same thing. Now its back to reality. What a bummer.

Ooh...there is something i have to add. The canoe polo team moves in packs. That is what i have concluded after Malaysia dinner, Eve's sendoff and more recently...our dear kim's op. It was quite a sight to see an entourage escorting kim to her op theatre. I think we shook the entire floor with our noise. Lets see...we had a grand total of 16 or was it 17 people walkin down the corridors of NUH. Haha. Ask me...i'd say we look like a gang and kim of course would be out triad leader. Haha. Okie. Nuff said. When will be the next gang outing?

The phreaks: Lookin forward to star wars!!! Luke...i am ur peanut. LOL.
Kim: I hope u aren't in too much pain!!! Take care and u'll be back in no time!!! *hugs*
Candice: Can't wait for the end of June!!! ^_^ and Tom Yam with the 'Wans'!!!

I am sooooooo excited bout KL for some strange reason. Yes people. I will be whisked off to KL this weekend with my parents along with my mom's company. *gulps* pretty darn generous for a company's family day ainnit? Lucky lucky. Durians...buffets...shopping...petronas tower...HERE I COME!!!

Tired but happy.
Escapism i need. Escapism i got. Escapism i yearn.

she spoke at
12:40 AM

Tuesday, May 10, 2005

The time will come
when, with elation,
you greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror,
and each will smile at the other's welcome,

and say, sit here. Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was your self.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you

all your life, whom you ignored
for another, who knows you by heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,

the photographs, the desperate notes,
peel you own image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life.

-Derek Walcott-

Sweetness.

she spoke at
2:44 AM

Thursday, May 05, 2005

^_^ Hurray!!! 3 successful surprises in a row!!! Girl ah...u are really a good one to plan for. Heh. Anywayz...hope u enjoyed the past 2 days to the MAX n i really hope that we made it a birthday u would never forget. Happy 21st!!! On the brink of adulthood now eh? So many things to look forward to and so many changes to embrace. But no matter what happens...for someone as special as u are...u deserve all the best that u can get!!! *hugs* Btw...that "Eye for a guy" thing is hillarious. And i came to realize that there are more guys than gals today. Hohoho. *winks*

Just realize that CRYSTAL JADE XIAO LONG BAO is FANTABULOUS!!! *drools* Why haven't i ever discovered it? Man...

Went for a free makeover today. Hmm...interesting.

Mugging for last paper at the last minute.
I need a miracle.

she spoke at
1:49 AM

Monday, May 02, 2005

I am sitting in the chair,
writhing in agony.
A demon, a minor demon,
is pinning me there
fucking with my head.
Abraxas he says.
I am Abraxas, the demon of lies and deceit.
So what do you want to know about lies my dear?
I'm not a liar.
I try again to get up but this time i'm flayed splayed
I feel myself screaming.
I'll tell you about lies.
There are white lies, black lies and many shades of grey lies.
Some lies are justified, lies told out of kindness,
lies that preserves dignity, lies that spare pain.
Everybody's a liar dear.

We are all liars.

---------------------------------------------------------

Had a very funny moment a few days back...

(In train on way home after looking frantically for office wear for someone's stay in prison this hols)
Me: I wanna eat buffet!!!
Candice: Actually buffet cheat money one. You eat more to make your money worth but actually you don't have to eat so much
Me: *whines* Can you don't rationalize buffets???

Lol. Its funnier if u know the internal joke. Ah well...girl...i only see u during the exam period. How sad is that? But better than nothing lah eh? ^_^

Exams are close to over. *heaves a sigh of relief* The whole month of March and April has been hell. Non-stop assignments and projects. Just re-read some of my entries and boy were they ALL about school. One more paper to go *heaves another sigh of relief* and then its a looooonnnng break. Time to head back to polo. Been out for almost 1 mth. Its been that long. Last polo training was during assignment mad-rush week in March i think. National selections this sunday. Man...*keeps fingers and toes crossed for those who are going to make a run for it*

Was all the way in east coast on sat evening for Ruzi's bday chalet. Everyon in my batch is turning 21 this year. Yeah Kim...u're right...we'll never feel like we've attended so many parties in our lives after this. Heh. Anyway haven't seen ruz in ages. Ok. To be honest i haven seen any of the JC ppl in ages altho we go to the same school. How sad is that eh? (Come to think of it...i don't see alot of ppl alot. Sheri...heh. Finally eh?) Interestingly ML and i were the only chinese there. Oh yeah and there were a couple of guys in chalet next to hers - dancing. Man. So damn AA. Not to mention that one of them really looked super gay. Ok. No offense but its irky when you know that they purposely left the curtains half-opened. What the hell. Ok. I admit one of the guys is actually quick slick. But i shall overlook that due to shameless AA tactics. -_- That was pig out day. Dim sum in morn...free pizze in noon and BBQ at night. *guilt* Guess its just a way of compensating for my lack of intake for the past 2 weeks. Bleh.

Oh and guess wad? Its church going for me again today. Dad seems really interested in the whole christianity thingy. *shrugs* Maybe its that time of his life where he has to validate the purpose of life and stuff. Well...i am open to it. Just that it really isn't the right time for me to embrace any forms of religion right now. Hmmm. Let's just say that i am happy for him and mom. And i came to realize that the bulidings in Singapore are actually quite gorgeous. Ok. I'm just talking about that buiding next to bugis junction. WOW. Damn chio!!! The architecture...the bronze statues...the sculptures...man...the epitome of grandeur.

Just found out that 2 of the guys from the latest everest expedition team were ex-rovers committee members (hence the regular email updates) so fantastic. Bings: I'm sure that you will be able to work towards your dreams. Jia you! Imagine the sheer bliss of being (literally) at the top of the world...WOW...but i guess this is something not everyone can understand. Short-term goal: Mt.Kilimanjaro (wherever i may be)

Back to studies. 20% of it.

Nothing ever stops all these thoughts
And the pain attached to them
Sometimes i wonder why this is happening
Its like nothing i can do will distract me when
I think of how i shot myself in the back again
'Cause from the infinite words i could say
I put all the pain you gave to me on display
But didn't i realize that instead of setting it free
I took what i hated and made it a part of me

[It never goes away]

Hearing your name
The memories come back again
I remember when it started happening
I'd see you in every thought i had and then
The thoughts slowly found words attached to them
And i knew as they escaped away
I was committing myself to them
And everyday i regret saying those things
'Cause now i see that i took what i hated
And made it a part of me

"Figure.09" - Linkin Park

Now i know the reason for my love for Linkin Park. It is a clear reflection of alot of things. I love them. I really do.

It's easier to run.

she spoke at
2:45 AM