I love the rustling of leaves. The smell of rain. The wind in my face.
It's so ironic that we're so weak yet so strong. I can now say that i am scared, afraid of ah ma's passing. It's a dangerous thought to know that you've given up on yourself. Please don't. There's a fighther in all of us and somewhere in the depths of your heart (even for the world's most 'hum chee' person), a part of you will never stop believing. Ah ma seems to be very cynical about her conditions cuz it seems like the prescriptions are't working too well. In fact, she's constantly dwelling about death. I can't blame her tho. 85 years to her record, she has probably been thru ordeals much worse than you and i. I hope that she'll pass without suffering but part of me refuses to let go. I wanna continue to hold those wrinkly hands of hers. Those hands that brought me up and contributed to the moulding of the person i have become. Never is there a way to prepare for the passing of someone. Could be now, could be decades down the road. There's never certainty and uncertainty is the worst feeling in the world. But yet again. Nothing is really certain huh?
Just the other day, ah ma was telling me a story. She said that when i was younger, i went to pre-school equipped with only teochew. So when i couldn't understand a single word of english, or what the heck the teacher was trying to say, i started to cry. And ah ma had to comfort me telling me to take my time. Look where i am now. I was a tyrant in the past. Seriously. *laughz* It took 3 ppl to make me take my medicine. 1 to grab my hands, 1 to grab my legs and my ah ma to pry open my mouth and pour the liquid down my throat. She had to force my mouth close because if she had left it open, i would've sprayed it right out at her. I also remember begging her to stay outside class in kindergarden so that i could study and see her face at the same time. Come to think of it, it was rather mean to make an old lady stand under the sun right? Her cooking. Me wetting my bed and her changing my sheets ever so patiently no matter the time. In fact, i never knew my parents till i was about 10. Yeah half my life with my ah ma. Maybe that was why i found it so hard to plunge into the world of finally being an 'ONLY' child. So many memories. They are all my keepsakes.
There's an aching feeling in my heart now and i don't get it often. Words cannot express the myriad of thoughs and emotions running through my head right now. Memories, thoughts, feelings, and everything else. Not just of ah ma but of everything that has happened since uni. Somehow nothing seems too big a deal. But i guess it's just one of those days which i am pretty sure everyone gets. I wanna cry. It's one of those days where nothing seems alright and no one seem fine. Perhaps the accumulation of repressed feelings from i dunno what is up to mischief again? Stop messing around with my heart and my head. Things are not about to get any better nor worse. I don't believe myself anymore. And i dunno why i am feeling this way.
Sometimes i wonder what i am craving for. Attention? Affection. Is it so? Maybe it's a mirror of the past. And it's never quite left? This is a time to feel lost. Just as i have proven and illustrated. Can't quite fathom what's going on myself. Shall let it pass. This is probably one of my most heartfelt entry to date. I don't normally say these kinda stuff on a blog. But just felt like typing. Just in one of my moods. If you know me, you'll understand that this comes and goes. So no worries.
Just sitting by...
