Just woke up from a 6 hour nap. Can't seem to fall back asleep although i am going to try after this.
It's been buggin' me. I really can't quite help it. It's been almost 6 months since i've tried to battle with this feeling. Much to my dislike...i am still unable to deal with it. Maybe i am being too sensitive. Or maybe it's just too much expectations on my part. It could've been something that i did. Something i said. Or perhaps what i didn't. The possibilties are endless and that saddest part of it all is being a by-stander looking at everything that is going on right now. Dismay. And it doesn't go away. Why am i unable to do anything? Pulling back is not going to help much but yet i feel further and further away. How can you lose something that you've never had? Worse thing still...i had it. On the contrary...maybe it isn't so bad. Who knows. It could be under circumstances that things are headed towards a certain direction. It may even well be something that is beyond anyone's control. An attempt at making things seem less than what it is. Not working. Much to my unfortune.
Ramblings. I just need my daily dosage of it.
I am beginning to question alot of things. Things that i am desperately trying to salvage. It could be just a state of mind and things might not be as serious as they seem but i am worrywart. If there is one thing i hate...it is the inability to give. It makes it seem as though i am afriad of being incompetent. Trust me when i say that it is not all about the ego.
Sometimes it feels like you are struggling to stay afloat. Barely keeping your head above the surface. You start to wonder if you are taking things a little too hard. I have seen the effects of trying to shoulder everything and reproaching yourself for everything and it is not a pretty sight. Some people say that it is a very selfish thing to do. As if the whole world revolves around you. As usual...people seem to only see the negative aspect of the entire situation. I have been there and i know how it feels. The intention that we have when we blame ourselves is not to get sympathy nor consolation. It is just that we happen to be the kind of people who can't take such disappointments...disappointments that are there because of what is considered a failure by us. People like us put alot of pressure on ourselves to give what we can. Although i reckon that too much can be destructive. Call it a character flaw. But it is what makes us who we are.
Nevermind that.
Kim: I'm glad that it all worked out for you. Right back at you : "Good things do happen to good people." And you just happen to be great!
Dream Partner: Take care. *hugs*
Candice: I believe in you. Call me if you need anything.
Shall retreat to slumber.
Nothing better than dreams.
